Does your significant other constantly complain over the amount of lewd patches you bring home? For the meager sum of $3, I will proclaim that this order was "won" instead of purchased, sparing you from their wrath. Each decree come written on a handcrafted parchment paper with printed ink congratulating you on your "win". If they inquire further, thou can always say "Nev'r upon my own life have I purchased this item!"
***PLEASE WRITE IN ORDER NOTES WHAT NAME YOU WOULD LIKE THIS TO BE ADDRESSED TO***